#BACKONTHEZAC

WELL FOLKS, IT LOOKS LIKE I'VE FLOWN TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN. I am writing to you from my concrete dungeon…locked in the unfinished part of our basement like a new puppy or Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs. A dirty beam of light filters through the cobwebby window above and I lost track of what day it is long ago.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I ENDED UP DOWN HERE. When my roommates and I bought this house a few years ago, it was obvious that it needed some work before we could move in. Allison wanted a bathroom upstairs, and I wanted a suite of my own. She promised me I'd get that before I signed the mortgage. However, here we are three years and one additional master suite later, and do I have two bathrooms?

NO EFFIN' WAY. I have to go down two flights of stairs from our shared bedroom on the second floor to get to my litterbox, which is conveniently wedged in next to the fake Christmas tree box (which, I should use this chance to say, is tacky IMHO). It's disgraceful. So yesterday, when I was napping in our family bed and dreaming about dropping the kids off at the sandbox -- IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN #LOLLL - I woke up and asked myself, WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO WALK DOWN TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS JUST TO GET TO MY **CRAPPY** (LOL) BATHROOM WHEN THE ROOMMATES HAVE BATHROOMS AVAILABLE ALL OVER THE PLACE? #STANDUPFORYOURSELF #DONTBACKDOWN #RESPECT



So I did what any normal cat would do: I TINKLED ON ALLISON'S SIDE OF THE BED, HITTING AND RUINING (1) THE MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS TOPPER, (2) ALLISON'S FAVORITE PILLOW, AND (3) EVAN'S FAVORITE PILLOW. The trifecta, if you will. #WINNING

What's really hilarious is that Allison never noticed my little gift until she was laying in it. IT WAS HONESTLY THE BEST HUMP DAY I'VE HAD IN QUITE A WHILE.

But the roommates have a pretty good idea it was me, and now I'm being treated like a terrorist. I've been locked in the basement with bugs and mice and God knows what else. Very little food, obviously, unless you count the Prozac Allison's been shoving down my throat. Newsflash: I'm not suffering from anxiety, I'm just trying to get what I deserve, and no amount of mental health supplements are going to change that. I just hope I survive down here long enough to hit "Publish" when I'm through with this post.

 

#WEEKEND RECAP: SUCCESS!

I HAVE JUST BEEN FEELING A LITTLE "OFF" LATELY. I'm not sure if it's the hot weather that I am watching from my air conditioned seat, or the fact that my roommates seem to be outside more than usual, or the fact that I've been trying to bulk up for the coming winter, which, let's be honest, puts a little bit of pressure on the old knees, but something is not right and has not been right for a while. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Anyway, this weekend all of that changed. ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AGAIN.

On Saturday, my idiot roommates decided to smoke some meat. This involved stomping around the house all day and burning the stinkiest stuff in a black box that they SAT RIGHT ON THE PATIO THAT I LIKE TO STARE AT ON THE WEEKENDS. This box let off smoke, which kind of blocked my view of my backyard. This is obviously complete BS.

Being so busy, they neglected to clean out my litter box. This is unacceptable. I ask very little as a roommate, but as you know I HAVE NO OPPOSABLE THUMBS and therefore cannot clean out my own litterbox. This is degrading and humiliating, and I'd appreciate it if the roomies could just keep my space clean without my having to ask. This weekend, they did not. COMPLETE BS.

THEN, as I was brainstorming blog posts on my couch, my roommate Allison snuck up on me and started scratching my neck. I was okay with this, but when I went to give her a little love-bite, she grabbed me and squirted flea medicine right on the back of my neck. AGAIN, COMPLETE BS.

Then, Saturday night, the roommates had friends over, which is just SO ANNOYING. And to make matters worse, two of these "friends" were really small, and one of them (pictured below) was into singing and dancing.

No one asked me what my plans were, or whether I intended to use the basement that night. And the little friend decided to have a concert in my basement.

I'm fairly sure you can understand why I did what I did next: I PEED ON THE FREAKIN' CARPET. It felt so good. I am pretty sure everyone believed that the culprit was the dancing friend, so Allison hasn't even tried to give me an extra Prozac. I think I might get into recreational peeing again.

So that was my weekend. How was yours?

#STAMPOFDISAPPROVAL: SPAY'S THE WAY

HEY DOES ANYBODY OUT THERE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS NEW THING, "SPAY'S THE WAY"? BECAUSE I HEARD IT'S WHERE THE GOVERNMENT HATES ALL CATS AND DOGS AND WANTS TO BE SURE THAT WE DON'T GET PREGNANT.

I don't know about you, but I'm a highly educated feline with some real, true opinions on political topics. In fact, my favorite television channels are anything that has a News program. Nightly news, afternoon news, early morning news, I don't care what time it's on as long as I am learning about current events.

Well, I AM OUTRAGED because I heard Obama hates cats. This leads me to a new column I'm starting on my blog, called "MABEL'S STAMP OF DISAPPROVAL." That's a hashtag, too, if you want to help me make it go viral.

Spay's the Way? More like GUNPLAY I DARESAY, because you might as well just take us cats all out in the woods, dig a hole, dump some cat food in the hole and then, after we take a bite, blow our brains out with a shotgun. I, for one, am not going to take this treatment anymore. I have started a new nonprofit organization called More of Us to Love, and I even designed a logo:

Sorry this logo sucks. My free 30-day trial of Adobe ran out, and I simply do not have an extra $50/month to get the software on my computer. So it's back to free websites for me until I learn how to illegally download the pirated version. (ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW HOW TO DO THAT AND NOT GET CAUGHT?)

I guess it goes without saying that Spay's the Way gets my #STAMPOFDISAPPROVAL. If you want to know why this issue affects me so personally, keep reading.

When I was a little kitten (#tbt anyone?) ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS HAVE KITTENS. KITTENS, KITTENS AND MORE KITTENS. I freakin' love kittens. But one day I woke up from a nap with stiches in my belly and someone telling me I had been "spayed." Well I had to ask around on Facebook about what that even meant. Turns out it means that the vet hates me and made it so I can never have kittens. This is total BS.

Also, while I was getting spayed, I picked up a nasty cold and worms. That sucked too.

I did some more research and it turns out you CAN be UNSPAYED if you want to:

I think this Ross Grogan character is a doctor or scientist because he seems really smart.

However it's really risky and dangerous and you have to have your ovaries in storage in a cold place. I live in Kentucky, which is a tropical climate, and I have no idea where my ovaries are. I think that Mitch McConnell and Sarah Palin took them and ate them. So it looks like it might be the end of the road for me and I may never have kittens and I may have to get an ovary transplant which is hard to do and expensive, and I have no money because my quiz website clients haven't been paying their bills and this blog hasn't gone viral yet and my allowance is embarrassingly small.

SO ANYWAY I just wanted to let everybody know what Obama and his best friend Mitch McConnell have been up to, and warn you so that NONE OF YOU EVER VOTE FOR EITHER OF THEM, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE GOING HEAD TO HEAD WITH HILARY CLINTON OR ALISON LUNDERGAN GRIMES. All of these people support spaying and hate cats, and some of them won't even admit it.

SO IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING AND YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT, YOU WON'T VOTE FOR ANY POLITICIAN SUPPORTING SPAY'S THE WAY. I vote online, but I certainly won't be voting for any of the jokers running this year. For anything.

#WEEKENDRECAP: HUNGOVER BUT SKINNY

"HI" EVERYBODY "HAPPY MONDAY"

 

I HAD A "PRETTY GOOD WEEKEND".  As I'm sure you can imagine, my inbox has been absolutely swamped with emails asking me what I am doing/what I did this weekend. I heard that "weekends" are something that plebes with jobs or other things to do talk about. Since I started working for myself I no longer care about "weekends" but I will humor all my thousands of fans and tell you about mine through a series of MEMES that I DIYed.

 

I am guessing you didn't forget but SATURDAY WAS MY "BLOG LAUNCH". No one came to the launch party because no one was invited except my friend LOLA but she doesn't live here and hates me so she didn't even make it. I can't decide if that makes me hate her or love her more. I partied pretty hard at the party, but lived to tell about it...barely.

 

 

I don't know who roofied me, but thank you! Had a great night, my roommates told me.

 

Then it was SUNDAY FUNDAY. I brainstormed a lot, and worked a little bit on reading people's minds. I think I may start a second job reading minds via the Internet. IF YOU WANT TO BE A CUSTOMER YOU CAN LEAVE A COMMENT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.

 



 

My roommate Allison is seriously hurting my self esteem. She said I could stand to lose some weight. I disagree but sadly she has the keys to my automatic feeder. So I worked out in the morning.

 

 

 

 

I lost a bunch of weight, as you can tell.

 

WELL THAT'S ABOUT IT. LEAVE ME SOME LOVIN IN THE COMMENTS SECTION, PLZ. IF YOU'RE LUCKY YOU MIGHT WIN A PRIZE.

#WHATSUPYALL

MY TIME HAS FINALLY ARRIVED, AND IT FEELS SO GOOD.

You probably know me from my two very well-received guest posts on my roommate Allison’s blog (available here and here), or from my also well-received Facebook page (I have 37 friends, NBD). I may or may not have hacked into Allison’s computer and gotten access to her Cloud, and I have it on good authority that MY POSTS WERE AMONG HER MOST POPULAR. So popular, in fact, that I have decided to spin off into my own blogosphere, leaving Allison and her pathetic ramblings about royalty and her boring life in my dust.

I’M MABEL, AND I AM FANTASTIC. My interests include biting ankles, scratching with my back claws (DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRONTS, LOL???), chasing reflections, foul language, selfies, HASHTAGS, peeing on stuff, leaving poop in strange places as a warning to my roommates, eating, and eating. You know what else is GREAT? ASKING FACEBOOK QUESTIONS THAT GOOGLE MIGHT HAVE THE ANSWER TO. I WILL TRY TO APPLY THIS TO MY BLOG, TOO. HEY DOES ANY READER OUT THERE KNOW HOW I CAN GET #WETFOOD WITHOUT LEAVING THE HOUSE OR HAVING ANY MONEY? I am a fan of lint, fluffy blankets, small bugs, and wet food, and a hater of everything else. YES, INCLUDING YOU. #SORRYI’MNOTSORRY #SIKE #NOSERIOUSLYIHATEYOU For real though, I hate a LOT of things and am considering a weekly feature where I tell you about the things I hate and why.

#SELFIE

A few things you’ll want to know about me before we get this thing started: I SOMETIMES TYPE IN #ALLCAPS, and this is for two reasons: so that you ACTUALLY READ WHAT I’M WRITING and because I DON’T HAVE OPPOSABLE #THUMBS. I am currently scheming ways to get out of my annual vet trip this September. I am a Virgo, and I AM VERY IN TOUCH WITH MY SPIRITUAL SIDE AND #FEELINGS.

I’m a work from home #CAT. I run a popular quiz service where I offer quizzes to idiots in exchange for PayPal payments. If you are an idiot that wants a quiz, YOU CAN ASK TO BE MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK, and see which quizzes I’m currently offering. #SPOILERALERT I don’t work on weekends, weeknights, or sometimes during the week.

I’M GETTING TIRED LOL BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TYPING FOR SOOOO LOOOONG, SO I AM GOING TO SIGN OFF HERE AND GET BACK TO BED. Allison and our other roommate, Evanshine, aren’t here (#THANKCATGOD) but if I find out what they’ve been up to lately I might blog about it. MIGHT NOT THOUGH LOL.